By Adam Voight
There are some crucial traps that we fall into when it comes to fostering resilience in our kids โ and the main one is that merely knowing what resilience is, not what will make them resilient. You can certainly know what resilience is – and this also applies to other quality such as empathy, responsibility or kindness โ without making it a habit of our lives or our go-to way of operating.
Resilient is something we become rather than something we discover.
And there are some simple ways that parents can prepare their teenager for the academic challenge ahead. So, hereโs four ways that you can help your child build and deploy resilience.
FOCUS ON SELF-TALK
Share the story of somebody who has overcome great odds to succeed. It can be somebody you know or even somebody famous. Ask what they think goes on in that personโs mind when faced with difficulty and explore how useful that thinking is.
Itโs then possible to discuss what happens in our own minds and what words we choose to tell ourselves.
Is our self-talk about defeatism and catastrophe?
Is it โWell, this sucks. I hadnโt planned for this question on the exam. Now Iโm really screwedโ?
Or could we flip that self-talk into something intentionally positive and optimistic? Instead, weโll choose to think โIโve prepared for this. Itโs not expected but I can handle it. Take a deep breath. Youโll be alrightโ.
FIND A RESILIENCE HERO
Too regularly these days our kids equate fame with success.
But the truth is that very few people succeed without perseverance and the hard work born of a resilient disposition.
Spark a dinner conversation out of the exploits of Jessica Watson, who solo circumnavigated the planet as a sixteen-year-old. Can you imagine how she felt the first time she looked over her shoulder and realised she was completely alone?
Or watch a Road Runner cartoon and discuss the never-give-up attitude of the Coyote and how he persists in the face of painful tragedy without either giving up on his goal or using the same tactic twice.
There are resilient heroes everywhere for us to look up to, leaving your teenager removing their stare from overnight sensations and dumb luck.
EXTEND THEIR SUPPORT NETWORKS
We sometimes fall for the trap of thinking that resilient young people are incredibly self-reliant โ not true.
Kids who are resilient arenโt silly enough to keep all of their support eggs in one basket. What if they get hit by a bus?! They tend to have plenty of human resources they can turn to when things are tough.
Connect your teen to people you know who are resourceful, subject matter experts or who are resilient types themselves. And respect their connections with friends who have these qualities too.
Sometimes the best friend to have is the one whoโs done it the toughest in life.
TAKE YOUR RESILIENCE ON THE ROAD
Every teacher knows a student who would finish a football match with a broken ankle โฆ. but who falls to pieces when asked to add fractions.
True resilience isnโt context specific and resilient people donโt just have the capacity to be resilient in their favourite places.
They can move their resilience.
Encourage your child to embrace new experiences โ even uncomfortable ones in areas where they struggle, fail or feel a little foolish. Resilience, you see, isnโt something that weโre handed after weโve seen an inspiring speaker at school or made a poster about it.
Resilience is something you need to practice, making the task for parents and teachers โ given weโve agreed that itโs all about thriving despite risk โ is to access our kids to that risk.
Every opportunity for your child to overcome frustration, to battle in vain and to deal with the potential of royally screwing up is an opportunity to build their resilience. What are you doing for your child, right now, that s/he could be doing themselves? Start with handing them that risk.
Adam Voigt is a former successful School Principal and system leader who is now the Founder & CEO of Real Schools. Adam is also the author of โRestoring Teachingโ, a groundbreaking book aimed at restoring esteem for the role of educators through establishing strong, productive and restorative cultures around Australiaโs schools.
Visit www.realschools.com.au