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Peninsula Kids
Home»Parenting Articles»Do you mean it?
Parenting Articles

Do you mean it?

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The 4 stages of an effective apology

By Jaemin Frazer

When someone hurts you, you must protect yourself from them in case they hurt you again. This person is now dangerous. It makes sense that trust is lost. To trust a dangerous person is foolish. It is wise to be guarded instead.

Therefore, the idea that it just takes time to rebuild trust is naive and simply untrue. Often time makes things worse. The mistrust and guardedness only increase. This person is still dangerous. To let them back in means they could hurt you again at any moment.

The only way to trust someone again is if they are no longer dangerous. The only way a person could no longer be dangerous is to properly fix the damage caused to the relationship in the first place. All you need to rebuild trust again is an effective apology. The moment this happens, safety is restored, and the walls can come down.

Unlike the childish one-word apology, the adult apology requires four crucial steps to ensure you get back to ground zero in your relationship and are not stacking issues on top of issues.

1. Understand exactly WHAT you did wrong and how that made the other person feel.

To apologise effectively, your first responsibility is to communicate clearly that you accurately understand the mistake made. If you’re not sure exactly what you did wrong or why the other person is even upset with you, your apology makes no sense. What are you apologising for? If you do not agree that the accusation is accurate, rather than trying to placate the other person with the words they want to hear, you are far better off to push back and review the data until you are on the same page.

2. Understand and communicate WHY you behaved that way.

The next logical step is to communicate that you understand why you did it. If you are going to fix things and become safe again, it will require some self-awareness as to what was going on for you that made you dangerous in the first place. If you don’t know why you did it, how could you possibly prevent it from happening again in the future?

3. Genuinely empathise for HOW you made them feel.

Step three is the place for empathy. Humble yourself, step into the other persons shoes and see how it would feel to have been treated this way.

Feel their pain and acknowledge that if someone had done this to you, you would also be hoping for a sincere apology. If you are actually sorry and you want to fix things, now is your chance to show it. When someone has accepted responsibility for their behaviour and is honestly sad they’ve hurt you, it makes it so much easier to accept their apology.

4. Make a believable plan as to why this is unlikely to happen again.

The final step in an effective apology is to talk about the future. Even if you’ve done the first three steps perfectly, you are not off the hook until you present a believable plan for your future interactions with the person you are apologising to.

To remove guardedness, all we actually need is a believable plan and the sense that it is unlikely to happen again. For this stage to be effective it must be believable to both parties. There is no point overpromising and underdelivering or you will be back apologising again tomorrow. It is your responsibility to put forward a believable plan about how and why things will be different in the future so that the other person can be confident the issue is unlikely to happen again.

Conflict resolution may not be easy, but it’s certainly not complicated. When issues are not resolved completely there’s an inevitable build-up of resentment, guardedness, and erosion of trust. When these steps are followed, the walls come down, forgiveness can be given freely, and trust rebuilt. The space between you is clean again. We good? Yeah we are good.


Jaemin Frazer is the author of Leverage – How to change the people you love and get the relationships you deserve (Major Street Publishing $32.95). He is the founder of the Insecurity Project and specialises in helping entrepreneurs, leaders and business owners eradicate insecurity so they can show up to life unhindered by doubt, fear and self-limiting beliefs.  He is widely recognised as one of Australia’s best life coaches and a leading voice globally on the subject of personal insecurity. You can find out more at www.jaeminfrazer.com

Peninsula Kids – Winter 2022

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9:00 AM - Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
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9:00 AM - Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
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9:00 AM - Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
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9:00 AM - Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
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9:00 AM - Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
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9:00 AM - Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
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8:00 AM - Dromana Community Market
31
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Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
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Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
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Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
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Chadstone
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Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
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Chadstone
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Chadstone
Events on December 8, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
8 Dec 23
Chadstone
Events on December 9, 2023
09 Dec
Little Beauty Market
9 Dec 23
Frankston
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
9 Dec 23
Chadstone
09 Dec
Music in the Park 2023
9 Dec 23
Mornington
Events on December 10, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
10 Dec 23
Chadstone
10 Dec
Carols by Kingston
10 Dec 23
Chelsea
Events on December 11, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
11 Dec 23
Chadstone
Events on December 12, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
12 Dec 23
Chadstone
Events on December 13, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
13 Dec 23
Chadstone
Events on December 14, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
14 Dec 23
Chadstone
Events on December 15, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
15 Dec 23
Chadstone
15 Dec
Sunset Twilight Market - Friday's at the Waterfront
15 Dec 23
Frankston
15 Dec
Somerville Christmas Carols
15 Dec 23
Somerville
Events on December 16, 2023
16 Dec
Emu Plains Market
16 Dec 23
Balnarring
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
16 Dec 23
Chadstone
Mornington Racecourse Twilight Market
Mornington Racecourse Twilight Market
16 Dec 23
Mornington
Events on December 17, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
17 Dec 23
Chadstone
17 Dec
Mornington's Christmas Festival
17 Dec 23
Mornington
17 Dec
Monthly Repair Workshop
17 Dec 23
HASTINGS
more...
Events on December 18, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
18 Dec 23
Chadstone
Events on December 19, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
19 Dec 23
Chadstone
Events on December 20, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
20 Dec 23
Chadstone
Events on December 21, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
21 Dec 23
Chadstone
Events on December 22, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
22 Dec 23
Chadstone
Events on December 23, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
23 Dec 23
Chadstone
Events on December 24, 2023
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
Holiday Bricktacular is sleighing at LEGOLAND® Discovery Centre Yule love it!
24 Dec 23
Chadstone
Events on December 30, 2023
30 Dec
Dromana Community Market
30 Dec 23
Dromana
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Established in 2006, Mornington Peninsula News Group (MPNG) is a locally owned and operated, independent media company.

MPNG publishes two glossy magazines: Peninsula Essence and Peninsula Kids.

MPNG also publishes five weekly community newspapers: the Western Port News, Mornington News, Southern Peninsula News, Frankston Times and Chelsea Mordialloc Mentone News.

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Chasing Change, in partnership with Mornington Peninsula Shire, are holding our annual Walk for Suicide Prevention on Sunday the 14th of September. We hope that you can join us to gather, connect and remember our loved ones lost to suicide. You can find more details, including a link to register the name of a loved one for our memorial roll call, on their event page.

https://www.facebook.com/share/16wCzifSWR/

@chasingchangeau Chasing Change - Suicide Prevention Network
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Chasing Change, in partnership with Mornington Peninsula Shire, are holding our annual Walk for Suicide Prevention on Sunday the 14th of September. We hope that you can join us to gather, connect and remember our loved ones lost to suicide. You can find more details, including a link to register the name of a loved one for our memorial roll call, on their event page. https://www.facebook.com/share/16wCzifSWR/ @chasingchangeau Chasing Change - Suicide Prevention Network
2 days ago
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1/9
No rest for the weary! 📚🥹
#bookweek
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No rest for the weary! 📚🥹 #bookweek
2 days ago
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2/9
Mid Winter Sale
Men's Womens, Children, School Shoes
20% off any purchase*
Hurry offer ends 31/8/25
The Largest Shoe Store on the Peninsula
Bayside Shoes
103 Railway Parade, Seaford
Ph 9785 1887
https://baysideshoewarehouse.com.au/

*excludes already marked down items & new arrivals. Instore only.

@bayside_shoe_warehouse 
#midwintersale
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Mid Winter Sale Men's Womens, Children, School Shoes 20% off any purchase* Hurry offer ends 31/8/25 The Largest Shoe Store on the Peninsula Bayside Shoes 103 Railway Parade, Seaford Ph 9785 1887 https://baysideshoewarehouse.com.au/ *excludes already marked down items & new arrivals. Instore only. @bayside_shoe_warehouse #midwintersale
5 days ago
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3/9
🚌🌱 Future Council is the new film from Director Damon Gameau - and it’s screening around Australia from late July. First up - a special tour with live Q&A panels and guest performances. 🎟️ Tickets for the tour are on sale now! 🎬Future Council will then be released in more cinemas from August 7 with a global tour to follow! 🌱
@regenerators @future__council @madmanfilms Madman Films 
#futurecouncil
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🚌🌱 Future Council is the new film from Director Damon Gameau - and it’s screening around Australia from late July. First up - a special tour with live Q&A panels and guest performances. 🎟️ Tickets for the tour are on sale now! 🎬Future Council will then be released in more cinemas from August 7 with a global tour to follow! 🌱 @regenerators @future__council @madmanfilms Madman Films #futurecouncil
1 week ago
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4/9
Tahnee Driver initially dismissed her bloating as a possible food intolerance — maybe gluten. But six weeks ago, everything changed when the 39-year-old mother of two was urged to go to hospital after several days of being unable to keep food down. Then, following an MRI, she received a devastating diagnosis: bowel cancer. 

Read more: https://www.mpnews.com.au/2025/08/06/tahnee-faces-battle-with-stage-4-bowel-cancer
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Tahnee Driver initially dismissed her bloating as a possible food intolerance — maybe gluten. But six weeks ago, everything changed when the 39-year-old mother of two was urged to go to hospital after several days of being unable to keep food down. Then, following an MRI, she received a devastating diagnosis: bowel cancer. Read more: https://www.mpnews.com.au/2025/08/06/tahnee-faces-battle-with-stage-4-bowel-cancer
1 week ago
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5/9
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2 weeks ago
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6/9
It’s the globally popular video game that’s captured the attention of more than 141 million active players, but Minecraft can also play a significant role in shaping children’s development, social interactions, and cognitive learning.

Read more via the link:

https://peninsulakids.com.au/minecraft-a-gamechanger-for-childrens-learning/

#minecraft #learning #peninsulakidsmagazine #articles #education
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It’s the globally popular video game that’s captured the attention of more than 141 million active players, but Minecraft can also play a significant role in shaping children’s development, social interactions, and cognitive learning. Read more via the link: https://peninsulakids.com.au/minecraft-a-gamechanger-for-childrens-learning/ #minecraft #learning #peninsulakidsmagazine #articles #education
2 weeks ago
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7/9
Mornington Peninsula Indoor Soccer

Come play futsal at the Civic Centre in Mornington. MPIS strives to provide an environment for kids to feel safe, enjoy the game whatever their level, and make new friends.

Register your team's interest here:
https://www.mpindoorsoccer.com.au/

#mornpen #soccer #indoorsoccer #mornpenindoorsoccer #mpis
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Mornington Peninsula Indoor Soccer Come play futsal at the Civic Centre in Mornington. MPIS strives to provide an environment for kids to feel safe, enjoy the game whatever their level, and make new friends. Register your team's interest here: https://www.mpindoorsoccer.com.au/ #mornpen #soccer #indoorsoccer #mornpenindoorsoccer #mpis
2 weeks ago
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8/9
Monash University is conducting a study to better understand the challenges and support needs for parents and/or caregivers related to children’s sleep and feeding routines. Your input will help enhance resources and support for families.

To take part in the survey or learn more use the link: https://monash.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_8A4012eElHQ1NQi
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Monash University is conducting a study to better understand the challenges and support needs for parents and/or caregivers related to children’s sleep and feeding routines. Your input will help enhance resources and support for families. To take part in the survey or learn more use the link: https://monash.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_8A4012eElHQ1NQi
2 weeks ago
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9/9
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