By Amanda Stokes
I often think itβs an odd thing that the only experience we have when we become a parent is that of having been a child to one. Itβs worth reflecting on. So much of who we become as a parent is based on our own experiences. If your own parents were overly authoritative, you may have gone the opposite way; alternatively if your parents lacked structure and boundaries, you may have a similar parenting style because you know no other way.
I run with the mantra that we are all doing the best job we know how, but when we know better we can be better.
Here are my top tips for improving communication with your tween daughter:
1. Know your communication style..
Are you reactive? Do you blow up easily? Are you an βI told you soβ parent? Are you a pushover? Do you worry your daughter wonβt like you and so you try to appease her by treading on egg shells? Now think of how your daughter treats you. Is she rude and argumentative? Is she dismissive? There is often a correlation between the way we talk to our girls and the way they respond. Itβs imperative we become self aware here. If you know that you get angry easily, then donβt be surprised if your daughter returns fire. If she responds with a snarky tone and you deliver snarky right back at her, then itβs no shock that youβll often find yourself in a battle of words. Monkey see monkey do, and if you do what youβve always done, youβll get what youβve always get.
2. Practice the pause..
Once youβve figured out how youβre communicating with your daughter, exercise the pause, whether that be by counting to 10, or asserting a personal boundary by saying βIβm feeling really angry/frustrated/ so weβll talk about this when weβve both cooled downβ. The pause is powerful because it buys time and it allows for you both to return to the conversation without the heat. A volcanic eruption canβt be stopped, it needs to run its course and when weβre fired up, we lead with emotion and often say things we donβt mean.
The pause is also an effective way to role model a more positive calming strategy for our daughters.
3. Be consistent. .
It can be so hard when life is hectic, and youβre juggling so many balls to be consistent in our parenting approach, but consistency is key.
If you allow something one day and then donβt allow it the next, these mixed messages impact whatever it is youβre trying to achieve. We also want to avoid being the nagger. Having to ask over and over to have jobs done, and having these requests fall on deaf ears, can lead to an escalation in our tone and frustration. A great way to work around this, is to just use one word. If you want the dishwasher done, just say βdishwasherβ and give a time frame for that job to be completed in, say within 30 minutes. What this does is it makes our children feel like they have some autonomy over the βwhenβ. Itβs a great step towards them further developing their growing independence. Setting up a shared Family Agreement – Chapter 1 in The Tween Motherβs Tool Book: Raising Strong Daughters, can help with dealing with the consequences of non-compliance.
Whatever you do, itβs important not to be too hard on yourself. The best thing about life, is that tomorrow always gives you a fresh day and a new opportunity to start over.
For more tips on raising strong daughters, Amandaβs new book The Tween Motherβs Tool Book: Raising Strong Daughters, an activity based guide promoting connection, reflection and effective communication between a mother and her daughter is available now from www.raisingstrongdaughters.com.au
You can also follow her on Instagram @raisingstrongdaughters_