By Amanda Stokes
I often think itโs an odd thing that the only experience we have when we become a parent is that of having been a child to one. Itโs worth reflecting on. So much of who we become as a parent is based on our own experiences. If your own parents were overly authoritative, you may have gone the opposite way; alternatively if your parents lacked structure and boundaries, you may have a similar parenting style because you know no other way.
I run with the mantra that we are all doing the best job we know how, but when we know better we can be better.
Here are my top tips for improving communication with your tween daughter:
1. Know your communication style..
Are you reactive? Do you blow up easily? Are you an โI told you soโ parent? Are you a pushover? Do you worry your daughter wonโt like you and so you try to appease her by treading on egg shells? Now think of how your daughter treats you. Is she rude and argumentative? Is she dismissive? There is often a correlation between the way we talk to our girls and the way they respond. Itโs imperative we become self aware here. If you know that you get angry easily, then donโt be surprised if your daughter returns fire. If she responds with a snarky tone and you deliver snarky right back at her, then itโs no shock that youโll often find yourself in a battle of words. Monkey see monkey do, and if you do what youโve always done, youโll get what youโve always get.
2. Practice the pause..
Once youโve figured out how youโre communicating with your daughter, exercise the pause, whether that be by counting to 10, or asserting a personal boundary by saying โIโm feeling really angry/frustrated/ so weโll talk about this when weโve both cooled downโ. The pause is powerful because it buys time and it allows for you both to return to the conversation without the heat. A volcanic eruption canโt be stopped, it needs to run its course and when weโre fired up, we lead with emotion and often say things we donโt mean.
The pause is also an effective way to role model a more positive calming strategy for our daughters.
3. Be consistent. .
It can be so hard when life is hectic, and youโre juggling so many balls to be consistent in our parenting approach, but consistency is key.
If you allow something one day and then donโt allow it the next, these mixed messages impact whatever it is youโre trying to achieve. We also want to avoid being the nagger. Having to ask over and over to have jobs done, and having these requests fall on deaf ears, can lead to an escalation in our tone and frustration. A great way to work around this, is to just use one word. If you want the dishwasher done, just say โdishwasherโ and give a time frame for that job to be completed in, say within 30 minutes. What this does is it makes our children feel like they have some autonomy over the โwhenโ. Itโs a great step towards them further developing their growing independence. Setting up a shared Family Agreement – Chapter 1 in The Tween Motherโs Tool Book: Raising Strong Daughters, can help with dealing with the consequences of non-compliance.
Whatever you do, itโs important not to be too hard on yourself. The best thing about life, is that tomorrow always gives you a fresh day and a new opportunity to start over.
For more tips on raising strong daughters, Amandaโs new book The Tween Motherโs Tool Book: Raising Strong Daughters, an activity based guide promoting connection, reflection and effective communication between a mother and her daughter is available now from www.raisingstrongdaughters.com.au
You can also follow her on Instagram @raisingstrongdaughters_