Expectant parents think they know what’s coming: disrupted sleep, a baby to feed every few hours, endless nappy changes. You know… baby stuff. The reality? Caring for an infant is all-consuming. Feeding, settling, sleeping and all that “stuff” takes up most of your waking hours – and that’s when everything is going smoothly. We need to be more honest about this and get real about what normal looks like. It isn’t forever, but it can feel never-ending.
Babies feed a lot; at least 8 to 12 times in 24 hours in the early months. That works out to about two to three hours between the start of one feed and the start of the next. It’s not, as some people expect, a two-to-three-hour break in between. Here’s how it often plays out. Baby wakes and shows feeding cues. Ideally, they’re already on or near your body so you can bring them to the breast right away. They might fuss and come on and off as they latch and trigger the let-down reflex – a minute or two – then settle into steady sucking and swallowing. As hunger eases, milk flow slows and becomes richer in fat. Sucking slows too, with longer pauses. The baby may slip into light sleep with occasional flutter-sucking, deeply relaxed.
Some babies come off the first breast, have a nappy change, then signal for more and switch sides. Others take one side only. Some mix it up from feed to feed. By now, breastfeeding may have taken 30–40 minutes, plus breaks for a nappy change or a short rest. If you’re contact napping, your baby may remain on your chest until they wake for the next feed. If you need to move them to a separate sleep space, waiting 15–20 minutes until they’re in deep sleep makes a smooth transfer more likely.
Decades ago, new mothers were given some spectacularly unhelpful advice about timing feeds: one minute each side on day one, three minutes each side on day two, five minutes on day three, ten minutes from day four onwards. The idea was to protect nipples from soreness. It didn’t work. By the late 1980s, “foremilk” and “hindmilk” had entered the conversation – with the message to “finish the first breast first” so baby got the richer hindmilk. But this often turned into rigid instructions that kept baby on one side for a set time, sometimes creating block feeding, a technique usually used to reduce oversupply. Many mothers ended up with babies who weren’t getting enough milk overall, only to be told to offer both breasts.
In reality, babies can self-regulate beautifully. In the early days, some may be satisfied with one breast per feed, but by around 12 weeks, most will need both for most feeds. The milk in the second breast will also have a higher fat content once the let-down reflex is triggered. The composition of breastmilk varies from feed to feed; the foremilk at one feed can be higher in fat than the hindmilk at another, especially if feeds are close together.
Sometimes, a strategy called switch feeding can help when a baby needs extra stimulation or intake: moving baby to the second breast when swallowing slows, then back to the first, and so on. This boosts supply and offers several “top-ups” of fat-rich milk. If a baby is feeding well and removing milk effectively, there’s no need to count minutes or restrict access. Sometimes one side will be enough. Sometimes two or three are needed.
Parents are tired. They crave rest, but they also feel overwhelmed by responsibilities. If they’re not doing, they’re thinking about what they could, should, or would be doing. Those who choose a child-led approach to parenting often spend long stretches holding a sleeping child, mentally counting down until they can “get something done,” because productivity is everything in our modern world. But sitting, lying, or walking around with a sleeping child against your body is an opportunity. It’s a time to rest, nap, or move your body. With a shift in mindset, it can become something you look forward to each day.
Resenting contact naps because you feel they “waste” time does you no good at all. You might have chosen this path or stumbled into it, but here you are – practising the gentle, attachment-based parenting style you believe in – and wishing your child would just sleep alone like “all the other babies.” This season of contact parenting is demanding, but you can choose to surrender and accept or resent and despair. Consider building your own self-care into your child’s nap rhythm: rest mid-morning while catching up on a show, nap alongside your contact napping baby, or take an afternoon walk with your baby in the carrier. Let your productivity be measured by how well you balance your needs and theirs – not by ticking boxes.
In the early evening, you may hit the “boob o’clock” stretch: latch, feed, switch sides, feed, nappy change, feed again. Feed while prepping dinner. Feed while eating dinner. Feed in front of the TV. Feed in bed until baby finally drifts off… only to stir for more. It can feel like one never-ending feed, and that’s normal. Before electric lighting, those cosy early-evening hours were often spent feeding and dozing together, followed by a longer sleep stretch before a few overnight feeds.
Cluster feeding isn’t a problem with your milk supply; it’s biology. Breastfeeding hormones peak in the early hours of the morning and dip in late afternoon and early evening. More frequent feeding then helps maintain supply and meet your baby’s comfort needs. The challenge is that our modern lives aren’t built for it. Evening cluster feeds can be frustrating if you’re juggling housework, work prep, or other children, especially without support. But your baby is behaving typically. Society needs to adapt to support breastfeeding mothers, not the other way around.
We often avoid telling expectant parents the full reality of breastfeeding for fear of discouraging them. Even among friends and family, conversations can be met with unhelpful advice: “Just stop,” “You wanted to breastfeed,” or “You’re spoiling the baby.” The truth? Many babies spend more time on the breast than off in those early months. That’s not only normal – it’s optimal. Yes, sometimes frequent feeding can signal an issue with milk transfer, but for babies who are growing well, it’s typical and healthy. And yes, it can be exhausting, frustrating, even overwhelming at times. You won’t always love breastfeeding. That doesn’t make you a bad mother; it makes you a real one.
It’s also not just the newborn stage. Feeding frequency often spikes again at 4–6 months, 8–10 months, 15 months, and beyond, especially during developmental leaps. If you’re apart during the day, expect to make up for lost time with more feeding when you’re reunited. Unfortunately, many parents are told they’re “not making enough milk” when their baby is simply feeding more often than expected. Long breaks are not a sign of good supply, and short intervals are not a sign of poor supply. This “more is bad” thinking is a legacy of formula-feeding norms taught to health professionals for much of the 20th century.
Don’t be misled by bottle measurements or formula tin guidelines; they don’t apply to breastfed babies. When researchers finally measured milk intake over 24 hours in exclusively breastfed babies, the findings were surprising: daily volumes didn’t steadily increase over the first six months; babies didn’t all take the same amount; and feeds varied widely in size and length. Nature already had it worked out. When a baby feeds on demand and for as long as they want, they regulate both supply and intake perfectly. They feed more when they need more – during growth spurts, developmental leaps, hot weather, illness – and less when needs drop.
When we interfere with clocks, charts, and rigid expectations, we disrupt this natural rhythm. A well-latched baby who removes milk effectively is in full control of their own intake. Our job is to watch for cues and go with the flow.
So how long is a breastfeed? Which one are we talking about: the quick five-minute top-up after a nappy change, the drawn-out hour of cluster feeding, or the efficient night feed when you both fall back to sleep? No two feeds – or babies – are exactly the same. Responding to your baby’s cues, rather than the clock, is the key to successful breastfeeding. Your baby knows what they need and when.
Trusting them – and trusting your body – keeps you both in harmony. Breastfeeding is intense. It asks for your time, your energy, and your presence. But it also gives back: nourishment, comfort, connection, and the quiet knowledge that, in this moment, you are meeting your baby’s needs exactly as nature intended.
Yvette O’Dowd is not your typical grandmother! This mother of three and ‘Granny’ of three has been a breastfeeding counsellor since 1992. In 2014, Yvette established the Southern Natural Parenting Network, incorporating South Eastern Babywearing Group. With 11,000 members world-wide, the group supports parents interested in breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping, baby-led weaning and modern cloth nappies and other aspects of gentle, natural parenting.
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