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Peninsula Kids
Home»Spotlight»Is Praising Our Kids Good or Bad?
Spotlight

Is Praising Our Kids Good or Bad?

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By Amanda Niland

Parents say ‘good girl or ‘good boy’ all the time. Here’s why you should try and say something else.
Parents, relatives and teachers say these phrases and mean them positively. They may use it when a child puts on their shoes when asked, when they draw something interesting, or get a maths question correct. But this kind of language may not always be healthy or helpful. One issue is it doesn’t actually give children clear feedback on what they just did or said. What could you say instead?

Praise and parenting

Praise has been seen as a key part of raising children for decades. In the 1950s, influential US psychologist B.F. Skinner believed rewards, including praise, positively reinforce desired behaviours. In the 1970s, amid rising interest in self-esteem, psychologists and other child development experts emphasised the importance of praising children. But since the 2000s, psychology research has moved away from seeing self-esteem, and hence praise, as central to a child’s wellbeing.

Early childhood education has similarly shifted towards children having a positive sense of identity instead. This means children having a sense of safety, belonging and capability, rather than a strong opinion of themselves. Nevertheless, praise is still frequently mentioned in popular advice to parents.


Different kinds of praise

Some psychology researchers have defined praise as either informational (telling children about their strengths and actions) or evaluative (telling children whether or not they are good enough).
In a similar vein, US psychologist Carol Dweck categorises praise as “person praise” or “process praise”.

Person praise focuses on stable characteristics such as personality or appearance. Process praise focuses on behaviours or effort directed towards achieving an outcome, such as learning to ride a bike or a baby taking first steps. Research has found person praise can decrease young children’s motivation to challenge themselves and lead to feelings of helplessness if they fail.

In contrast, a long-term study of children whose mothers used process praise showed these children were more likely to be confident in preschool and later in primary school. Process praise is informational, giving children feedback on their efforts and strategies in achieving an outcome (“I can see by your puffing how hard you ran in that race”). Person praise tends to be evaluative, often where there is little possibility for change, or only after success (“What a winner!”).

Seeking approval or seeking improvement?

More broadly, constant praise may mean children unconsciously feel they are doing things for adult approval, rather than for themselves. This can work against the development of self-regulation and a healthy sense of identity. Adults who over-praise (particularly evaluative or person-focused praise) may assume children need external rewards to do the right thing. This doesn’t enable children to make good choices on their own.

Recent research suggests inflated praise, using words such as “incredible”, “amazing” and “wonderful”, can foster narcissistic traits by causing children to have an unrealistic sense of their own competence. This can lead children to become upset or angry at failure, partly because they perceive their worth to be conditional on meeting adults’ standards. So, counterintuitively, inflated praise can lower self-esteem.

The gender question

“Good girl/boy” also raises other issues around gender identity and self-esteem. Research involving adults found men are more likely to see praise as informational (reflecting their competence) whereas women are more likely to see praise as evaluative (implying their need to conform to set ways of behaving).

Studies of children that compared boys’ and girls’ responses to praise also found girls tended to respond more negatively to evaluative praise. While some of this research is decades old and done in the United States, it is interesting to think about why this might be, and whether it relates to how we socialise children into gender roles. What kind of unconscious messages are we communicating through our praise?

What should parents be doing instead?

Three principles can support a healthy approach to praising kids:

  1. Give children realistic feedback about their behaviour or actions. For example, “Well done. I can see you’re trying there with your kicks” as opposed to “Amazing kicking! You’re a superstar!”
  2. Focus on children’s own learning or improvement rather than on competing with others For example, “Next time, when you play that piece, how about trying it faster?” rather than “That wasn’t as quick as Sophia can play it”.
  3. Use praise that shows children they are valued regardless of what they may or may not do. For example, “Well done! I know you studied every day for this test” as opposed to “You’re Dad’s straight-A angel!”

    These approaches all support confidence, empathy and resilience in children; qualities we all need in our complex world.



    Dr Amanda Niland is an expert in early childhood education from the School of Education and Social Work at the University of Sydney.

    As published in Peninsula Kids – Summer 2024/25

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    Mornington Peninsula Indoor Soccer

Come play futsal at the Civic Centre in Mornington. MPIS strives to provide an environment for kids to feel safe, enjoy the game whatever their level, and make new friends.

Register your team's interest here:
https://www.mpindoorsoccer.com.au/

#mornpen #soccer #indoorsoccer #mornpenindoorsoccer #mpis
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    Mornington Peninsula Indoor Soccer Come play futsal at the Civic Centre in Mornington. MPIS strives to provide an environment for kids to feel safe, enjoy the game whatever their level, and make new friends. Register your team's interest here: https://www.mpindoorsoccer.com.au/ #mornpen #soccer #indoorsoccer #mornpenindoorsoccer #mpis
    3 days ago
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    3/9
    Monash University is conducting a study to better understand the challenges and support needs for parents and/or caregivers related to children’s sleep and feeding routines. Your input will help enhance resources and support for families.

To take part in the survey or learn more use the link: https://monash.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_8A4012eElHQ1NQi
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    Monash University is conducting a study to better understand the challenges and support needs for parents and/or caregivers related to children’s sleep and feeding routines. Your input will help enhance resources and support for families. To take part in the survey or learn more use the link: https://monash.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_8A4012eElHQ1NQi
    4 days ago
    View on Instagram |
    4/9
    Join McClelland and the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra for a music workshop on Sat 6 Sept! With guidance from MSO musicians, participants aged 10-14 will develop music skills, experiment with composition, and co-create a brand-new piece to be performed in the MSO in Your Neighbourhood concert in Mornington. 

Learn more. at this link: https://mcclelland.org.au/events/creative-music-workshop

@mcclellandgallery McClelland Sculpture Park+Gallery 
#mso #yourneighbourhoodconcert #mcclelland #creativemusicworkshop
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    Join McClelland and the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra for a music workshop on Sat 6 Sept! With guidance from MSO musicians, participants aged 10-14 will develop music skills, experiment with composition, and co-create a brand-new piece to be performed in the MSO in Your Neighbourhood concert in Mornington. Learn more. at this link: https://mcclelland.org.au/events/creative-music-workshop @mcclellandgallery McClelland Sculpture Park+Gallery #mso #yourneighbourhoodconcert #mcclelland #creativemusicworkshop
    4 days ago
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    5/9
    Just announced: 
Dr Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas Live in Concert

This festive season, the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra brings to life the beloved classic How the Grinch Stole Christmas, starring Jim Carrey. 

Watch Cindy Lou Who on the big screen as she takes matters into her own hands and turns both Whoville and the Grinch’s world upside down, inside out and funny side up in her search for the true meaning of Christmas. 

Composed by the late, great composer James Horner, witness the MSO perform the magical score live to screen this December. 

Thursday 4 December at 7.30pm
Friday 5 December at 7.30pm
Saturday 6 December at 1pm
Arts Centre Melbourne, Hamer Hall

Waitlist presale
Thursday 7 August at 10am

General public tickets on sale
Friday 8 August at 10am 

Sign up for presale access: https://bit.ly/41lB5MQ

#howthegrinchstolechristmas @melbournesymphonyorchestra
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    Just announced: Dr Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas Live in Concert This festive season, the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra brings to life the beloved classic How the Grinch Stole Christmas, starring Jim Carrey. Watch Cindy Lou Who on the big screen as she takes matters into her own hands and turns both Whoville and the Grinch’s world upside down, inside out and funny side up in her search for the true meaning of Christmas. Composed by the late, great composer James Horner, witness the MSO perform the magical score live to screen this December. Thursday 4 December at 7.30pm Friday 5 December at 7.30pm Saturday 6 December at 1pm Arts Centre Melbourne, Hamer Hall Waitlist presale Thursday 7 August at 10am General public tickets on sale Friday 8 August at 10am Sign up for presale access: https://bit.ly/41lB5MQ #howthegrinchstolechristmas @melbournesymphonyorchestra
    4 days ago
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    6/9
    Melbourne Symphony Orchestra’s Jams for Juniors comes to McClelland. Join Karen Kyriakou and MSO musicians for joyful music-making with little ones aged 0–5. Two fun-filled sessions on 6 Aug & 3 Sept. 
Tickets required for all. Book now.

https://mcclelland.org.au/events/mso-presents-jam-for-juniors-at-mcclelland

@mcclellandgallery McClelland Sculpture Park+Gallery 
#jamsforjuniors #mso
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    Melbourne Symphony Orchestra’s Jams for Juniors comes to McClelland. Join Karen Kyriakou and MSO musicians for joyful music-making with little ones aged 0–5. Two fun-filled sessions on 6 Aug & 3 Sept. Tickets required for all. Book now. https://mcclelland.org.au/events/mso-presents-jam-for-juniors-at-mcclelland @mcclellandgallery McClelland Sculpture Park+Gallery #jamsforjuniors #mso
    2 weeks ago
    View on Instagram |
    7/9
    …asking for a friend. 
👍 up high
❤️ down low
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    …asking for a friend. 👍 up high ❤️ down low
    2 weeks ago
    View on Instagram |
    8/9
    No Food Shaming.

If you grew up in the ‘80s, ‘90s, or early 2000’s, chances are you were taught to see food through a moral lens: veggies were “good,” chocolate was “bad,” and fat was something to fear. That messaging stuck.

So now, when you reach for a bag of chips after a long day or say yes to dessert, a quiet voice in the back of your mind is likely to whisper: “You shouldn’t.” You feel like you’ve done something wrong – simply for eating something you enjoy. And here’s the thing: our kids are watching. They’re listening. The way we talk about food becomes the way they relate to it.

If you want to raise confident eaters, it’s time to let go of the “good” vs “bad” food narrative and allow your kids to enjoy food without guilt or shame. Let’s be real; some foods are more nutrient-dense than others. But that doesn’t mean that we need to rank them on a scale. Instead of calling food “good” or “bad”, try talking about how it fits into the bigger picture of what our bodies need. 

Read on for a few ways to reframe the conversation:
https://peninsulakids.com.au/no-food-shaming

@nourishwithkarina Nourish with Karina 

#nofoodshaming
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    No Food Shaming. If you grew up in the ‘80s, ‘90s, or early 2000’s, chances are you were taught to see food through a moral lens: veggies were “good,” chocolate was “bad,” and fat was something to fear. That messaging stuck. So now, when you reach for a bag of chips after a long day or say yes to dessert, a quiet voice in the back of your mind is likely to whisper: “You shouldn’t.” You feel like you’ve done something wrong – simply for eating something you enjoy. And here’s the thing: our kids are watching. They’re listening. The way we talk about food becomes the way they relate to it. If you want to raise confident eaters, it’s time to let go of the “good” vs “bad” food narrative and allow your kids to enjoy food without guilt or shame. Let’s be real; some foods are more nutrient-dense than others. But that doesn’t mean that we need to rank them on a scale. Instead of calling food “good” or “bad”, try talking about how it fits into the bigger picture of what our bodies need. Read on for a few ways to reframe the conversation: https://peninsulakids.com.au/no-food-shaming @nourishwithkarina Nourish with Karina #nofoodshaming
    2 weeks ago
    View on Instagram |
    9/9
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