WHEN YOU FEEL AS THOUGH YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE
By: Pinky McKay
Have you tried talking about this in your mumโs group?โ, I asked, Sonya, a mum who was struggling with an unsettled baby, a partner who worked long hours and no family close by. It turned out that Sonya felt very isolated, even though she lived in the city, within walking distance of cafes and her child health centre. She was anxious about admitting how tough mothering was right now because she believed everyone else was so โtogetherโ. Sadly, this conspiracy of silence perpetuates the loneliness of mothers โ with everyone pretending they have it โall sortedโ there becomes an impenetrable wall that keeps mothers from reaching out to each other and becoming allies.
There can be many reasons for mummy isolation โ and you donโt have to be a new mother to feel like โthe only oneโ:
Being single, but not single: You donโt have to be separated or divorced to be parenting alone most of the time. Many partners travel for work, leaving you to make all the big decisions and managing the day to day stuff of babies and small children without any relief for days at a time. As Jessica, a mum of two toddlers says, โ I canโt do things with my married friends at night because their partners are home and I feel I canโt be supportive to single friends because when my husband is home, I will โdropโ them because I cherish the shortย time we do have together.โ Jessicaโs solution is to enjoy playgroup and childrenโs activities during the day and โsocialiseโ on face-book at night when her partner is away. She says, โAt least I feel connected to the outside world. I can talk to adults, even though itโs not really in person, physically. And when Ben is at home, I switch off technology to be with him.โ
Geography: You live in the country with no close neighbours. The scenery is pretty but you canโt talk to the cows. It may seem like a major effort to bundle your baby in the car and get out but you could be pleasantly surprised how much fun it can be โ and who you might meet. Genna, a country mum says, โI drove an hour to my nearest ABA group. I am so glad I made the effort, I now know two other mums who live close to me and we are meeting up for coffee next week.โ
Your parenting style: You donโt gel with your mumsโ group because your parenting style varies. Alice says, โMy baby sleeps less than the other babies but if I dare mention I am feeling tired, all the talk turns to sleep school. Thatโs not something I want to do. I donโt even want advice, just a bit of understanding without being told I am doing everything wrong.โ Instead of torturing yourself, try seeking out a different group where you can vent safely and keep the conversation at your mums’ group neutral, such as what toys the babies are enjoying or great places to go with a baby. Or, look for another quiet mum who is probably feeling โdifferentโ too and invite her to meet up outside of the group.
Your routines: Having a routine can be a source of sanity for many mums and babies but if it works out that your baby is sleeping when itโs playgroup time, you miss out on the interaction with other mums. Itโs a trade-off between the sanity of sleep and a calm household or the sanity of connection with other grown-ups โ only you know whether to consider that as a short term sacrifice or whether your need for company trumps your babyโs routine occasionally.
Money: Letโs face it. If you had a bucket load of money, you could join a class with childcare thrown in or you could hire a personal trainer and a nanny and you could meet up with other mums at the gym. But donโt let that stop you โ why not start a mum and bubs walking group? Put up a notice in your baby health centre or the local supermarket notice board to gather some other mums and babies to join you.
Different aged kids: You are the first person in your pre-baby best friendship group to have a baby and your childless girl-friends just donโt get that you canโt spontaneously drop everything and go for a drink at 5pm. Or, you are the last person in your group to have a baby, their kids are older and they are busy with activities so catching up is much more difficult that you had expected. Itโs time to connect with a new group with little ones the same age as yours. Organise catch-ups with old friends during school holidays when most preschooler activities are on holiday too, or plan a girl friendsโ get together without kids.
You arenโt a โsocial butterflyโ: You enjoy meaningful conversations, you hate rowdy girlsโ nights out or you arenโt ready to leave your baby yet. Relax, there are all kinds of personalities among mothers, just as there are among people in general. You may have to start at a motherโs group to find your โkindredsโ but you can branch out from there โ when you โgelโ with another mum, invite her for a coffee. Donโt judge any motherโs intelligence because so much of the group conversation revolves around completely banal discussions about nappies and sleep (or lack of it). When you chat โone on oneโ, you can extend the discussion โand this can be where the longest lasting friendships begin.
Pinky McKay is a best-selling author, lactation consultant and mum of five. Check out Pinkyโs Parenting by Heart Mummy Meet-ups โ these are free informal meet up groups of mums, babies and small children who share and support gentle parenting.