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Peninsula Kids
Home»Parenting Articles»Mothering and Isolation
Parenting Articles

Mothering and Isolation

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WHEN YOU FEEL AS THOUGH YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE

By: Pinky McKay

Have you tried talking about this in your mumโ€™s group?โ€™, I asked, Sonya, a mum who was struggling with an unsettled baby, a partner who worked long hours and no family close by. It turned out that Sonya felt very isolated, even though she lived in the city, within walking distance of cafes and her child health centre. She was anxious about admitting how tough mothering was right now because she believed everyone else was so โ€˜togetherโ€™. Sadly, this conspiracy of silence perpetuates the loneliness of mothers โ€“ with everyone pretending they have it โ€˜all sortedโ€™ there becomes an impenetrable wall that keeps mothers from reaching out to each other and becoming allies.

There can be many reasons for mummy isolation โ€“ and you donโ€™t have to be a new mother to feel like โ€˜the only oneโ€™:

Being single, but not single: You donโ€™t have to be separated or divorced to be parenting alone most of the time. Many partners travel for work, leaving you to make all the big decisions and managing the day to day stuff of babies and small children without any relief for days at a time. As Jessica, a mum of two toddlers says, โ€œ I canโ€™t do things with my married friends at night because their partners are home and I feel I canโ€™t be supportive to single friends because when my husband is home, I will โ€˜dropโ€™ them because I cherish the shortย time we do have together.โ€ Jessicaโ€™s solution is to enjoy playgroup and childrenโ€™s activities during the day and โ€˜socialiseโ€™ on face-book at night when her partner is away. She says, โ€At least I feel connected to the outside world. I can talk to adults, even though itโ€™s not really in person, physically. And when Ben is at home, I switch off technology to be with him.โ€

Geography: You live in the country with no close neighbours. The scenery is pretty but you canโ€™t talk to the cows. It may seem like a major effort to bundle your baby in the car and get out but you could be pleasantly surprised how much fun it can be โ€“ and who you might meet. Genna, a country mum says, โ€œI drove an hour to my nearest ABA group. I am so glad I made the effort, I now know two other mums who live close to me and we are meeting up for coffee next week.โ€

Your parenting style: You donโ€™t gel with your mumsโ€™ group because your parenting style varies. Alice says, โ€œMy baby sleeps less than the other babies but if I dare mention I am feeling tired, all the talk turns to sleep school. Thatโ€™s not something I want to do. I donโ€™t even want advice, just a bit of understanding without being told I am doing everything wrong.โ€ Instead of torturing yourself, try seeking out a different group where you can vent safely and keep the conversation at your mums’ group neutral, such as what toys the babies are enjoying or great places to go with a baby. Or, look for another quiet mum who is probably feeling โ€˜differentโ€™ too and invite her to meet up outside of the group.

Your routines: Having a routine can be a source of sanity for many mums and babies but if it works out that your baby is sleeping when itโ€™s playgroup time, you miss out on the interaction with other mums. Itโ€™s a trade-off between the sanity of sleep and a calm household or the sanity of connection with other grown-ups โ€“ only you know whether to consider that as a short term sacrifice or whether your need for company trumps your babyโ€™s routine occasionally.

Money: Letโ€™s face it. If you had a bucket load of money, you could join a class with childcare thrown in or you could hire a personal trainer and a nanny and you could meet up with other mums at the gym. But donโ€™t let that stop you โ€“ why not start a mum and bubs walking group? Put up a notice in your baby health centre or the local supermarket notice board to gather some other mums and babies to join you.

Different aged kids: You are the first person in your pre-baby best friendship group to have a baby and your childless girl-friends just donโ€™t get that you canโ€™t spontaneously drop everything and go for a drink at 5pm. Or, you are the last person in your group to have a baby, their kids are older and they are busy with activities so catching up is much more difficult that you had expected. Itโ€™s time to connect with a new group with little ones the same age as yours. Organise catch-ups with old friends during school holidays when most preschooler activities are on holiday too, or plan a girl friendsโ€™ get together without kids.

You arenโ€™t a โ€˜social butterflyโ€™: You enjoy meaningful conversations, you hate rowdy girlsโ€™ nights out or you arenโ€™t ready to leave your baby yet. Relax, there are all kinds of personalities among mothers, just as there are among people in general. You may have to start at a motherโ€™s group to find your โ€˜kindredsโ€™ but you can branch out from there โ€“ when you โ€˜gelโ€™ with another mum, invite her for a coffee. Donโ€™t judge any motherโ€™s intelligence because so much of the group conversation revolves around completely banal discussions about nappies and sleep (or lack of it). When you chat โ€˜one on oneโ€™, you can extend the discussion โ€“and this can be where the longest lasting friendships begin.


Pinky McKay is a best-selling author, lactation consultant and mum of five. Check out Pinkyโ€™s Parenting by Heart Mummy Meet-ups โ€“ these are free informal meet up groups of mums, babies and small children who share and support gentle parenting.

First published in Peninsula Kids – Winter 2016

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Good luck!

Check โ€˜em out: www.reptileencounters.com.au

๐˜›&๐˜Š๐˜ด: ๐˜—๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ป๐˜ฆ ๐˜ช๐˜ด ๐˜ข ๐˜™๐˜ฆ๐˜ฑ๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ ๐˜Œ๐˜ฏ๐˜ค๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ด ๐˜ค๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ฅ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏโ€™๐˜ด ๐˜ฃ๐˜ช๐˜ณ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฅ๐˜ข๐˜บ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ต๐˜บ ๐˜ฆ๐˜น๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ค๐˜ฆ. ๐˜–๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ธ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ธ๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ญ ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ค๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ณ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ ๐˜›๐˜ถ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด๐˜ฅ๐˜ข๐˜บ 23๐˜ณ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ˆ๐˜ถ๐˜จ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต 2022. ๐˜—๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ด๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ, ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ด ๐˜จ๐˜ช๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜บ ๐˜ช๐˜ด ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ญ๐˜บ ๐˜ข๐˜ท๐˜ข๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ข๐˜ฃ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜๐˜ช๐˜ค๐˜ต๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ข๐˜ฏ ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด๐˜ช๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต๐˜ด ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ 18 ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ. 
https://peninsulakids.com.au/competition-terms/
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#reptileencounters #reptiles #reptilestoyou #reptileparties #birthdayparty #experiences #experiencesforkids #kidsparties #partyideas #win #giveaway #luckykids #wildlifeupclose
  • Izzy, youโ€™re a jerk sometimes - peeing on our stuff, biting and purring all at the same time - but we wouldnโ€™t trade you for the world! (Well, most of us wouldnโ€™t - donโ€™t ask @cameronmccullough or Frankie the dogo.)
You are sugar and spice, thatโ€™s for sure! ๐ŸŒถ ๐Ÿฏ 
Happy international cat day! ๐Ÿ˜ป
โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”
#internationalcatday #spicykitty #sugarandspice #bestlapwarmer #misspurrsonality #rescue #rescuecat #familymember #furbaby #woudnthaveitanyotherway
  • I love our time together and Iโ€™ll take it however I can. This afternoon TJ and I toured the grounds at the Civic Reserve in Mornington while big sister did bball practise. 
We walked through the leash free dog park trying to get a few pats in (who are those people wandering around in here without a dog? Oh, thatโ€™s us! ๐Ÿซฃ). We found this giant hollowed tree trunk and then visited the ducks at the pond. 
I could have food shopped, or ran to the chemist, or back to work where he would glaze over watching YouTube, but I did none of that. 
Forty precious minutes filled well. 
๐Ÿ’™โ˜€๏ธ
โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”
#getitwhenyoucan #preciousmoments #fillingtimewithfamilytime #awalkinthepark #afternoonsun #together #dogstalking #duckpond #spendingtime #mamasboy #motherandson #theygrowupsofast #civicreserve #itdoesnthavetobecomplicated
  • Stephanie Alexander Kitchen Garden day! I loooove heading into the amazing outdoor kitchen/garden at my sonโ€™s school. Hanging with the kids and seeing them create food from scratch totally fills my bucket! And their bellies!
Today they dined on homemade pasta, sausage sauce, salad and bread. You go kiddos!
โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”
#kitchengarden #lunchtime #stephaniealexanderkitchengarden #kidsinthekitchen #schooldays #helpingatschool #cooking #cookingwithkids #lifeskills #cookingfromscratch #food #homemade #atschool #luckykids #yummy #yummylunch #fullbellies #lovepeninsulakids
  • Gorgeous day for a bit of footy!โ˜€๏ธ
โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”
#godoggies #gobombers #sundayswellspent #girlsfooty #winter #wintersport #sundaysport #footballallday
  • Soup, crusty bread and a fire kinda night! ๐Ÿฒ ๐Ÿฅ– ๐Ÿ”ฅ ๐ŸŒฌ 
This was my Saturday before food shop vegetable dump soup with a few chicken drumsticks I had in the freezer. Pumpkin, carrots, broccoli, onion, kale and cabbage. And a load of Parmesan grated on top. If you arenโ€™t already adding parm cheese to your soup and dipping that bread - trust me, do it! ๐Ÿง€๐Ÿ˜‹
โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”
#winter #winterfood #winternight #winterwarmers #dinner #winterdinner #hunkerdown #foodforthesoul #easyrecipes #madeup #chuckitin #getinmybelly #familydinner #soupforeveryone #feedthefamily #leftovers #dipit #easymeal #veggiedump #saturdaynightathome

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