By Joanne Wilson
Weโre hurtling toward the end of this challenging year that Iโm optimistically looking forward to farewelling. Iโm taking a moment to evaluate post-pandemic parenting.
In a world that has previously lauded a hectic, action-packed lifestyle, Iโm proposing busyness should not be a badge of honour. For those who have had the pause, Iโm wondering if youโre like me and keen to make lasting changes to continue parenting in the slow lane instead? Not only does too much, too often too soon have a detrimental impact on our well-being, but that of any children in the house.
It is well documented that overloading and pushing ourselves and our children is harmful. Did you know thereโs a noticeable shift in our generation of children that are gradually moving away from an internal toward external locus of control? That is, theyโre focussing more on external methods to find happiness instead of within. Theyโre so overstimulated, entertained and surrounded by screens and toys, theyโre losing the ability to self-regulate, self-soothe and find contentment for themselves. No wonder the rise in anxiousness, depression and narcissism.
2020 sure has given us all a shaken-not-stirred approach to what is important such as health, certainty for the future and the safety of close relationships. Many of my counselling clients report it has forced decisions for positive changes previously contemplated for โone dayโ.
Hereโs our chance to intentionally step back, evaluate and choose a cruiser, joyful path moving forward that features emotional attentiveness and a firm foundation of love that launches children to success . Ask yourself these questions about life before the pandemic:
How was your pre-pandemic schedule? Could you spontaneously fit in a drink and a play with the neighbours or did they need to wait three weeks? Did you allow time in your weekday either with children after school with nil commitments? I mean, nothing.
Did you worry your children wonโt be the best versions of themselves if theyโre not involved in all the wonderful activities on offer? What if they miss out on finding their true gift? What if their friends learn new skills that yours donโt? What ifโฆ?
Did you approach tasks one at a time? I know us females pride ourselves on this one but to make it all happen, parents are โMilkshake Multitaskingโ as neuroscientist, Dr Caroline Leaf calls it. She says we can shift between different tasks in rapid succession but itโs impossible to multitask. This results in neurochemical chaos and brain damage. As weโre frantically switching between that email to pay the footy and dance fees, checking Instagram and listening to our child read; thereโs nothing of quality occurring and weโre easily confused and exhausted.
Did you allow โmarginโ? Itโs my favourite word that signifies the parking rest stops alongside your driving lane. Itโs regularly pausing alongside your highway of life for attentive conversations, playing on the floor, drawing with chalk on the driveway, following a butterfly and running bare feet outside. Margin can be the intentional one-on-one time with a child without guilt and time pressure. Itโs the allocated distance between you and your to-do list on the other jam-packed lane thatโs lined with endless tasks.
Hereโs how we create the self-discipline for lasting change:
Self-compassionately find hobbies that feature a slow-paced meditative element: Do you recall those activities you would lose yourself in as a child? Reading, painting, lying in the grass studying clouds or ants? Try a slow-paced exercise that doesnโt focus on achievement but purely enjoyment such as gardening, hiking, cycling.
Check your surround sound: Are your peers frantic-paced workaholics that boast work-hard/play-hard lifestyles where their children are lost along the way? Technology obsessed strung-out friends are likely going to fuel your fast-tracked freeway to Facebook envy.
Daily quarantine quiet: Brain fMRIโs display in real-time how we strengthen whatever neural pathways we do more of. Brain dendrites and neurons reinforce your โhighwaysโ based on your choices of a busy schedule that can result in frustration and anger. Letโs use the forced pandemic pause and to permanently choose daily โbrain time outโ without screens to breathe, meditate or pray that benefits both you and your children to regularly enjoy the stability of peace and calm.
Say NO: Iโm the first to admit to being a YES woman both in my career and personally. The pandemic has taught me that Iโm still loved even when I donโt attend everything and enjoy time out without the guilt. The land of opportunities can wait sometimes!
Little Johnny and Juanita are more likely to become masters of their destiny if we allow them the breadth to do so. We can certainly nurture their talents, but letโs not scrawl over their childhood with busyness in the process!
I donโt want a medallion of muddled madness, but a cordon of courage. It will signify we bravely didnโt scribble chaos in our blank margins of life that encouraged the children to inner resourcefulness to face lifeโs challenges resulting in their innovation and prosperity.
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship โ All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community with thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being.
Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com