Experiencing the loss of a baby during pregnancy or following birth, is one of the most devastating life events a parent can face. The grief that accompanies this profound sorrow can feel overwhelming and isolating regardless of when the loss occurred. Bereaved parents commonly want to hide away from the world. They can feel that healing is impossible and that no one really understands what they are going through.
Throughout pregnancy, a mother is primed to nurture and protect their baby. A relationship and bond has been formed. A future has been imagined, and her identity has been changed. When a baby dies, mums can feel heartbroken, lost, empty, and isolated. It can be excruciating for bereaved mums to see other pregnant women and their babies.
Expectant dads grieve too. Sometimes their grief looks different; however they too have lost their child and an imagined future – a new role, a readiness for the next stage of life. Dads may feel the emotional weight of looking after their partner in their grieving. As a result, in some instances, dads may experience a delayed grief response.
Understanding Emotions
There is no “right” way to grieve, and people grieve in many different ways. People’s pathways towards integrating their loss into their ongoing lives differ from one person to the next.
Losing a baby can stir a complex mix of feelings. Sadness, numbness, disbelief, anger, guilt, and confusion often intertwine, making it hard to process emotions.
Rumination and flashbacks to what happened including the time when the news was given that the baby had died, thinking about time spent in hospital, going over conversations from health professionals, are common.
Physical symptoms such as feeling foggy and unable to concentrate, not sleeping well, under-eating or overeating are also common. Understanding that these reactions are completely normal can help with feelings of isolation.
Honouring Baby
Some parents choose to do little or nothing, while others find actions or rituals help them to make meaning of the death of their baby. Finding meaningful ways to remember your baby can aid in the healing process.
It’s okay to celebrate baby in small (or big) ways:
- sharing stories and their name on social media
- honouring the due date
- talking to trusted friends/family members about the baby
- creating a special day each year to honour their memory.
Keeping the baby’s memory alive helps bereaved parents to keep their baby in their hearts and in the hearts of those around them.
Ways Some Parents Honour Their Baby
- a hand-crafted urn with baby’s name, an important date or a few meaningful words
- writing – memory book or journal
- bereavement keepsake jewellery
- donating to a baby loss organisation
- walking/running with a charity fundraising for their baby
- engaging in rituals such as lighting a candle on special dates
- celebrating with baby’s siblings or family members and sharing feelings about the baby
What Lies Ahead: Sad Days … Better Days
It is important to remember that grief is not linear. Some days may seem easier than the ones before, only to find that unexpectedly bereaved parents are back feeling the deep sadness and grief again.
Engaging in self-care activities that nurture the soul and prioritising well-being plays a significant role in the healing process.
Seeking Connection
As parents navigate this heartbreaking experience, building connections with others can provide warmth and understanding.
They may consider:
- joining online forums or local support groups
- sharing experiences and listening to others which can foster a sense of community and lessen feelings of isolation
- reaching out to the many pregnancy and baby loss organisations for information and support
For pregnancy and baby loss specific support organisations, please go to: mypebbleurn.com.au/seekingsupport
Remembering Baby: Continuously Honouring Their Memory
No matter how short a baby’s life, continuing to seek an ongoing bond and connection with baby is common and normal. The bond that is shared is everlasting and a testament to their unique existence and the impact they had on the life of the bereaved parent that reflects the love that will continue … always.
Terminology: Eliza recognises that individuals have diverse gender identities. In this article, Eliza uses the term ‘mother/mum’ or ‘father/dad’ throughout. It is for practical reasons she uses these words and it is not intended to exclude or offend those who do not identify with these terms.
Eliza Strauss is a specialist bereavement midwife, founder of My Pebble Urn, and founder of The Perinatal Loss Centre.